If I were an NHL player

January 31, 2007

I saw this one started over at Hockey Rants a few days ago.  I checked again this evening, and just about everyone has gotten in on the action.  See a nice listing over at A Theory of Ice.

I played rec league hockey for two years, but never had any illusions of playing in the NHL aside from the characters I’d create in the NHL video games.  It always amazed me that my guy could net 90 goals a year, but I wasn’t seeing anyone do it in the NHL (kidding).

Without further ado, if I were an NHL player.

  • Team: Columbus Blue Jackets
  • Jersey number: 17
  • Position: Left wing
  • Nickname: I never had a hockey nickname.  Drew would be fine.  Or “Killer”… yeah… Killer.  Or Drew.  whatever.
  • On my line: David Vyborny at right wing, and Steve Yzerman at center.
  • Rounding out the power play: Oh crap, I have to play on the power play?!?  Right, dream world.  Let’s put Lidstrom and my brother NOB (Not on the Bench) out there.  Yeah, NOB doesn’t play hockey, but he played as a hard-hitting defenseman in all my NHL video game dynasties.  And my youngest brother (no clever acronymical nickname as of yet) was always a goaltender, so let’s not forget him either.
  • Job: Going to the front of the net to screen, being a bit of an agitator, and picking up that one or two goals per year from four feet out.
  • Signature move: Tripping over the boards as I try to hit the ice on the fly.
  • Strengths: Tenacity, willingness to take the cross checks, hard hitting, ability to take opposing players off their game
  • Weaknesses: Stopping, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, right cross-overs, backward skating, shooting, passing, getting the puck more than four inches off the ice, need I go on?!?
  • Injury problems: That one spot in my shin guard / knee pad that doesn’t have much padding on the outside of my knee is like a magnet to slapshots from the point when I’m in front of the net.  It shuts off the nerves in my leg and I scoot like a shot puppy off the ice to get help from the trainer.
  • Equipment: CCM helmet with full cage (Mrs. EOB would crap if I played without it), full compliment of pads that take my look from 135 lbs to a whopping 150!!!  Wooden Easton stick with the gentle Mike Modano curve, and cheap Bauer skates (who needs expensive skates when you can’t stop with them anyways?!?)
  • Nemeses: Doug MacLean, Kirk Maltby, Sean Avery, Steve Sullivan, Kris Oliwa, Dwayne Roloson, Todd Bertuzzi, Tony Amonte, Scott Young, Keith Tkachuk, and stopping.
  • Scandal involvement: None off-ice.  On the ice, I’m the guy that everybody loves to see in the dressing room with them but not on the opposing bench.
  • Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Under a different schedule arrangement, the Detroit Red Wings.  As it stands now, the Montreal Canadiens.  Not because I’d want to see the Habs lose, but I’d like to play in Montreal for a SCF game.
  • What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after the victory: Take it to the local Children’s Hospital and share it with kids.
  • What would be the media’s opinion of me: I’m a good hearted guy, but if I’m making anything more than the league minimum I’ll get run out of town for being overpaid.  Lucky for me, I’m okay with that.

I’m not much of a tagger, but I encourage you to head over to A Theory of Ice and look at what everybody else has put up.



  1. My first signature move was stepping out on the ice with one of those terry-cotton skate blade covers on one skate and then falling immediately on my ass.

  2. Ha, classic!

    We actually saw one of the ice technicians at Nationwide Arena do that with one of the hard plastic skate covers. He will forever be known as “Skate Guard”.

    BTW, nice picture of your backyard last week. Who knew it could snow in AZ?

  3. Sorry, but I have the Tape “Killer” Leg nickname wrapped up. Mostly for it’s irony, as I am nothing like a killer. Gotta love the Slap Shot reference.

    Ah, you can have it.

  4. Sorry, but I have the Tape “Killer” Leg nickname wrapped up. Mostly for it’s irony, as I am nothing like a killer. Gotta love the Slap Shot reference.

    Ah, you can have it.

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