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Why I wish Rolly Hedges was my neighbor

September 21, 2006

Rolly Hedges, agent for missing Blue Jackets star Nikolai Zherdev, was quoted in the Ottawa Sun today (found via Kukla) as saying,

“We’re dealing with (Columbus GM) Doug MacLean here,” said Hedges. “My sense is (Zherdev’s) going to be playing in Russia (this season).”

This sounds like a guy I could chat with over the fence.  We’d stand around sipping our beverage of choice and laugh for hours while playing the game “How crappy of a GM is Doug MacLean?”  I can see it now…

Drew: Okay, okay… my turn!!

Rolly:  Alright, fine.  Drew, if Doug MacLean were to manage your lawn, how crappy of a lawn GM would he be?

Drew:  Oooh, tough one.  Let’s think.  Well, he’s going to need a few things.  Like a lawnmower (the basic yard care tool), and a trimmer (the highly skilled and specialized mower, if you will). 

Rolly:  Good start, keep it going.

Drew:  He’s got a decent sized yard, so crappy GM Doug MacLean (CGMDM) decides he needs a riding mower.  While shopping around, he finds that there are two kinds of riding mowers.  1) Really good ones that cost a lot of money.  2) Mediocre to bad ones that don’t cost all that much.  Rather than spend a little coin to get the cherry mower that will do the job right the first time, CGMDM decides to pay “good mower money” for a mediocre to bad mower, all the while expecting the crappy mower to do the same quality job as he’s paying it to do.  You can imagine how this works out.

Rolly:  Nice, you’re doing better than I thought.

Drew:  Pipe down Secret Agent Man, I’ve got more coming.  Okay, so CGMDM sees this trimmer that looks awesome.  The box at the store tells him all the fantastic things the trimmer can do, which might help make up a bit for the mower he purchased.  The only problem is, the paperwork involved in getting the trimmer home is complicated.  All sorts of warranties, release forms, and other various things are required for CGMDM to get this fabulous trimmer into his garage.  Finally, about halfway through his grass-cutting season, the trimmer appears on his doorstep ready to go.  He takes it out and fires it up.  And oh man is it sweet!  It’s the Swiss Army knife/Ginsu/universal remote of trimmers.  It’s extremely flashy, wows the neighbors, the works.  It can’t prevent (or defend if you prefer…) the whole yard from looking crappy (only the best of the super trimmers can do that), but boy does it look flashy.  Then, trouble strikes.  The trimmer has a mechanical problem.  While it didn’t cost too much money to actually get the trimmer (just a lot of paperwork), it’s going to cost a lot to get it back into action.

Rolly:  Do I know this trimmer?

Drew:  Hang on, I’m almost done.  So CGMDM decides that he’ll lowball the trimmer repairman and see if he’ll do the job for a third of the cost, take it or leave it.  Part of the trimmer paperwork included a clause that if the trimmer didn’t get fixed properly when broken, it would return to the dealer for use by someone who will pay to get it fixed.  CGMDM doesn’t seem to care.  He’s not going to pay that much to get the trimmer fixed.  That trimmer can do yardwork in Russia for all he cares.  It might make the yard look great, and all the neighbors love it, but it’s not worth it.  CGMDM compensates for the trimmer loss by overpaying for another crappy mower.

Rolly:  Wow, A-plus for you dude.  You’ve proved today that Doug MacLean is a really crappy GM.

Drew:  Thanks, man.

Rolly:  Sure thing.  Hey, want to try out my sweet trimmer?

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2 comments

  1. So, how does Consumer Reports rate this “awesome” trimmer? My guess is they don’t have any significant length of reliability data on it to justify the hefty repair bill.

    And it would appear that the “awesome” trimmer costs alot more than other comparable trimmers on the market.

    But, I suppose we should pay more for the trimmer because it is “OUR” trimmer, right? Sometimes it works great, cuts all the grass perfect. Other times, it doesn’t start, or doesn’t work hard for the mower. But it is “OUR” trimmer.

    Confuscious say, “One bitchin’ trimmer does not an awesome yard make.”

    Signed,

    Shane (Whose yard looks alright with an ok mower and an electric trimmer)


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